HAFLINGER BY TRADE (Tune: "Wanderer By Trade" by P. Lansdell and C. Chivers) I cut my teeth on FORTRAN, I talk COBOL in my sleep, I trained my dog in MicroLISP and I've done the BASIC creep. The CPU'S my oyster, I'm a haflinger by trade, But I live in mortal terror of a winsome blushing maid. She haunts me when I programme, she's there when I compile, Between the lines of printout I can see her wicked smile, The CPU'S my oyster, I'm a haflinger by trade, But I live in mortal terror of a winsome blushing maid. She belongs to all my user clubs, and now they all make fun, She's hacked into my E-mail box, I've no place left to run, The CPU'S my oyster, I'm a haflinger by trade, But I live in mortal terror of a winsome blushing maid. I'm a dull man, I'm a boring man, I've practiced hard for years, But she can see through all my wiles and wake my darkest fears, The CPU'S my oyster, I'm a haflinger by trade, But I live in mortal terror of a winsome blushing maid. I've known since I was only six, computers were my life, The one thing I don't need right now is a family and wife, The CPU'S my oyster, I'm a haflinger by trade, But I can't hold out for ever 'gainst that winsome blushing maid. (repeat last two lines) NOTE.--The word "haflinger" is derived from John Brunner's The Shockwave Rider, and denotes an individual with an instinctive command of computer-related skills.