THE LATEST MODEL (Tune: "A Modern Major-General", Gilbert & Sullivan) I am the latest model of a personal computer, I'm a secretary, archivist, a maths and physics tutor, I can add up exponentials and work out how much a googol is, I navigate in space and tell you where the neck on Dougal is: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, I'll warn you off a drink if I suspect that it is alc'holous, Then I can show how tyrants tried concealing their tyrannicals, And whistle all the airs from that infernal "Spock In Manacles"! Then I can write a poem in a dialect of Hindi That will stiffen up your sinews if you get to feeling windy, I'm a chemist, I'm a general, I'm an airport traffic router, For I am the latest model of a personal computer! I do the toughest crossword in the time it takes a graviton To choose to have a fission and decide what spot to have it on, My brain is made of platinum with dashes of iridium Which gives my logic processes their individual idiom: I function in a dozen modes or more, quite simultaneous, My random impulse triggering there's nothing quite as zany as, About my number crunching I am teeming with a lot o'news, And there's not a graphic function that I cannot swiftly plot an' use! I can run three hundred households from New Year right through to Candlemas, And handle fifty robots if you tell me what to handle'em as, When driving your jalopy I can toot "'oot" on my 'ooter For I am the latest model of a personal computer! (Slower) In fact, when I know how to get a hi-score on Galaxians, When I can keep my tank from being blasted into fraxians, When I can run a screen that's full of asteroids and aliens, And guess all sorts of animals, both reptiles and mammalians, When I can make my sprites move in perspective three-dimensional, And do things with a joystick that are just a bit intentional, In short, when in the gaming field I know at least one onion-- Why then some human might decide I'm fit to spend his money on! For I have no gaming software, I'm not built for such frivolity, But though to thus equip me would have been the part of polity, From Threepio to Twiki there is no-one could be cuter And I'm still the latest model of a personal computer!!