CRYPTICH

(Tune: "Triptych")

I am faced with nine boxes, who knows how to fill'em?
I don't know who devised this but I'm ready to kill'em.
They are spaces for letters to be written in pen
I take a deep breath and start over again.

The clue is a sentence that doesn't make sense
To meaning it has not the slightest pretence
I can't probe the twists of this puzzler's mind
He must be a sadist of tastes most refined

I look at the grid to see what it can tell
I worked out Three Down so that gives me an L
I think Five Down's TITAN which gives me a T
But the first letter's G where no G ought to be.

I take every word of the clue one by one
And spell out the letters in patterns for fun
I find several phrases but none that look right
And a few of my findings are far from polite.

I get an idea and I follow it through
Consult my thesaurus and dictionary too
I'm sure I have got it, this cannot be wrong,
Then I see that my answer's one letter too long...

I rise from my seat, hurl the pen to the floor,
Kick over the chair, bang my head on the door,
The puzzle goes flying, the books take a fall
As I overturn table and bookshelves and all.

I scream like a man who is losing his wits,
I tear at my raiment, I throw forty fits,
My vision is clouded, blood roars in my head,
If he ever comes near me that puzzler is dead...

I pick up the debris and put it all square,
I straighten my clothes and sit down in my chair.
I write in "GESPLOTNY" and put down my pen.
I never will try to do crosswords again.
Never, no never, do crosswords again.