TWEAKING THE STARDRIVE (Tune: "Waltzing Matilda") Once a jolly spacer, held up for an overhaul, Sat himself down in a libraree. Read him a book on the theory of introct-i-on*, Saw how efficient his stardrive could be. CHORUS Tweaking the stardrive, tweaking the stardrive, Who'll try a-tweaking the stardrive with me, With a probe and a wrench and a manual of instruct-i-ons, Who'll try a-tweaking the stardrive with me. "Gosh," thought the spacer, "here's what I've been looking for!" He grabbed up the book and away he went. And he bought him a probe and a twenty-volume dictionary To say what the ten-nogel words all meant. CHORUS (With a probe and a wrench and a bag to put the spare bits in) Next day the spacer started on his tinkering, He whistled and sang as he worked away. For he'd thought out a trick to increase his drive's efficiency Six hundred per cent in just half a day. CHORUS (With a probe and a wrench and a triple-shielded hardsuit on) He twisted the coils till they quivered with the tens-i-on, He shifted the phase nodes one two and four (three had never worked anyway) And he smiled as he thought of the benefits of theory And twisted the coils just a wee bit more. CHORUS (With a probe and a wrench and a pair of lucky womprat feet) The eve of departure was time for celebrat-i-on; He drank in the bar till a quarter to five, Staggered on board and passed out in the engine room, Next to his quivering, tweaked-up drive. CHORUS (With a probe and a wrench and a sound insurance policy) Next day the spacer woke up in a nasty state, His head like a drum and his nerves all frayed, And he swore off the drink as he slumped into his cockpit seat, With no thought at all for the changes he'd made. CHORUS (With a probe and a wrench and a Last Will and Testament) He clutched at his brow as he waited for his clear-i-ance, He goosed up the drive when he heard the call, And he shoved in the throttle, all the way to maximum... And that was the last time we saw him at all. CHORUS (With a probe and a wrench and a star map to Andromeda) So you jolly spacers, keep your lives and sanity, While you are faring from star to star, And when you're in port, avoid the bloody library, The best place for you is the spaceport bar. Not-- CHORUS Tweaking the stardrive, tweaking the stardrive, Who'll try a-tweaking the stardrive with me, With a probe and a wrench and a black hole where your brain should be, Who'll try a-tweaking the stardrive with me. *The theory of introction, formulated by Vassall and Hentschler sooner than you think, opened the door to the long-awaited Unified Field Theory, faster-than-light travel, true artificial intelligence, anentropic life and lots of other things my stories required. Personally, I don't understand a word of it.