THE WAY TO BEAT THE FAIRIES

I was out late at night on a path I'd never trodden
I was drunk as a lord and I sang as I went
When a light flared up with a smell of something rotten
And before I could move I was a prisoner pent.

They were tall, thin and pale and their robes were quite exquisite
They were mounted on horses as black as the night
And their queen bent down and said "Glory be, what is it?
Do you think it would be tasty if we cooked it right?"

I said "Spare me my life, ma'am, I'm hardly worth the cooking
Would you take me so young now, for shame on your soul?"
She said "You might be my toy boy if you were better-looking
But I wouldn't touch you, laddie, with a ten-foot pole!"

"But perhaps you could give us some fun before you're etten
Do you know any music, could you give us a song?"
I said "Now that's a suggestion you'll live to be regretting,
I'm a devil of a player, I should live so long."

So we drew up the deal and we signed it both together
And she called for her instrument as quick as a wink
It was a Fender guitar with a strap of finest leather
And the strings shone so brightly that it made me blink.

The queen said "What's wrong, lad, you look a little shaken,
You expected a fiddle or a flute maybe?
Sure we've all been asleep, but we're easy folk to waken
And the noise you've been making would disturb a tree."

Now the smile on her face was a proper holy terror 
And the elves all around were laughing fit to burst
So I smiled and I said "Well, I guess I've made an error,
Let's be over and done with it and I'll go first."

"I'm a keyboard player, not a fiddler or a drummer,
And the synthesiser is my favoured tool
I can play right well in the winter or the summer
But before I can start, you know I need a stool."

So the queen clapped her hands and the fairies they all scattered 
And they brought me a stool just as fine as could be
And the queen said "You're set now, as if it really mattered,
So why don't you play a little song for me?"

"I'm a keyboard player, not a piper or a fluter,
And my own little keyboard is ready to hand.
I can play right well, though I never had a tutor
But before I can start, you know I need a stand."

So the queen clapped her hands and the fairies went a running
And the fetched up a stand and I tried it for size,
And the queen said "All right, lad, you're being very cunning,
But it's time now to play, give us all a surprise."

"I'm a keyboard player, not a cellist or a harper,
And of keyboard players I'm the finest flower.
I can play right well, sure my skill was never sharper
But before I can start you know I need some power."

So the queen clapped her hands with a noise just like a rocket
And a thundercloud formed just above my head
And she picked up my mains plug and stuck it in the socket
Saying "That's enough stalling, man, play or you're dead."

"I'm a keyboard player and I'd love to be compliant
I've got all my equipment just exactly right.
I can play right well, in my field I am a giant,
But before I can start you know I need more light."

Then the queen riased her hands to do something quite unpleasant
As the first ray of sun shone throughout the place
And the queen and her court proved to be quite evanescent
Leaving me all alone with a grin on my face.

Now I've got me a stand and a stool to put my seat on
And the thundercloud follows me whenever I call
And the moral is this: if you don't want to get eaten
The way to beat the fairies is to not play at all!