MARIO AND THE SHIELDMAIDEN

Out east there's a place known as t'Far Isles,
A dream of a long-vanished age,
And Duke Leo Constantius of Venice
Went there, with young Mario, his page.

A right SOB was young Mario
In argent and blue, quite a swell,
He'd an arrow of Law on his surcoat,
The which didn't suit him too well.

They didn't think much to the Revel.
the music was quiet and tame.
There was no orgies, and nobody poisoned--
It was nice, but it wasn't the same.

So they went in to talk to the Vikings
Who had come as for battle arrayed.
There was Helgi, and there was Jawbreaker,
And Astrid, a warrior maid.

Now Mario had heard about women,
how the kitchen was their proper place.
And to see Astrid got up for fighting,
Well, he just couldn't keep a straight face.

So straightway the brave little f...feller,
Convinced that she'd do him no harm,
Said *"Women should never be warriors"
And laid hold of the shieldmaiden's arm.

You could tell that the shieldmaid didn't like it,
For, waxing decidedly wroth,
She called on Jawbreaker to kill him,
Whereto he was bound by his oath.

A red mist came over Jawbreaker.
He started to shiver and moan.
In a second the room was deserted
And the two were left in there alone.

For most of an hour we just waited
Unsure what the future might hold
For the noises that came from that chamber
Were enough to turn anyone cold.

But at length all the tumult subsided
And Kate pushed the door open wide
There was a ruddy great hole in one window
And Jawbreaker, off to one side.

Two lovely black eyes had our Mario
As a proper reward for his cheek
Which Narilla examined and reckoned
Would last for well over a week.

So despite the disorder and wreckage
the caretaker didn't much mind,
For to cover the gap in the window
We left him a Venetian, blind.